Caroling and Christmas Parties

Hello Humans.
That is how I have been greeting people since last week. You would not believe how many offended looks I have gotten. It is pretty hilarious. So you guys remember how excited I was that I was going  to put up Christmas lights with my friend on Saturday? Well it rained the night before, so we didn't do that. But! Before I get ahead of myself, I did get to go to a play at my school with LTG and his mom and my sister. It was pretty great, the play was fantastic. It was Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and my friend-quaintance Daniel Oriano was the main character. I didn't know that he could sing and was left quite impressed.  After that we went home. It was pouring rain. Like so much rain. Saturday came. I went from sleeping to suddenly being awake. Which was fine. I believe that was the night that I had a terrifying dream. I shall relate the first half to you, the second half is just confusing.
 It began with me in english class, which is 8th period. Things were happening which I don't recall, my teacher was discussing a new type of assignment that we would soon attempt. This is all somewhat normal. But then the walls melted away into a fenced in yard. It was similar to a dog training arena with like, ramps and tunnels and such. There was also an oak tree. The kind with the tiny, smooth acorns. Suddenly we had a sub, the one that can't pronounce my name. Everything became similar to the Hunger Games. All of us were just trying to survive. The sub called me over and took a device with a blade similar to what is in a lawn mower and held it to my head, trying to grind my ear I guess. I shrieked. Because it hurt. (I didn't actually feel the pain because it was a dream, but I imagined that it hurt.) I ran from her, head bleeding. I texted LTG, "I need you to get me out of here, please!" He said no. While this was a small hitch in my escape plan, I didn't have time to dwell on it. There were students and a sub with machetes, weird lawn mower like devices, chainsaws and many other tools that could cause harm and death. I hid behind a tunnel. I decided that perhaps one of the guys in my class would be willing to look after me. To have my back. But everyone I found was ghostlike, they couldn't help me, they could only hurt me. So I just, kept hiding and moving and hiding until the bell rang. I saw a devastating war scene and was a wreck both physically and emotionally. It was gory and horrifying and bloody and deadly. After the bell rang though, everything stopped and the survivors left. LTG was outside of the gate. When I saw him he apologized for not coming, he hadn't been able to because of work. I was a wreck so I just accepted the extremely long hug that he offered. Words no longer mattered. The fact that he hadn't come before no longer mattered. I had nothing left and he was something. I didn't want him to pull away from said hug because, well duh, I needed it so bad. To my surprise, instead of pulling away, he scooped up my legs and began to carry me like a child away to the parking lot. I didn't know or care where he was taking me. I remember my arms being around his neck, it was as thick as a tree. He was so big. He was talking, but I couldn't make out the words. I just listened to the tones of his voice go up and down, the rumble in his throat as he went on about sports teams and stuff. I faded in and out of consciousness.
That is basically the first half of my dream. Naturally, I told him my dream first thing in the morning because he wasn't the bad guy this time. We will come back to this later.
After breakfast my friend came over anyway in spite of the rain. We didn't put up lights, but he did play twenty card uno with me, which I love so so so much. He also ate waffles with my dad, which was cool because I don't often see my dad reach out to my male friends in such a way. I think my dad really likes him. He also ended up helping me with chores. Almost every time my best friend comes over, he ends up assisting with dishes or laundry or something. I am glad he doesn't mind helping. If he did, mom might kick him out. As always with this one, there was shenanigans. He is a goof ball and therefore must goof a little bit. I still have purple pen on my arm from his scribbling. He also wiped egg on my arm for some unremembered reason while we were eating lunch. I did the natural thing to do, and pretended nothing happened. I continued eating eggs. I was slightly surprised when he cleaned the egg off of my arm. He also got whip cream off of my face I think...I am not sure. he put it there though so I wouldn't be surprised. After that we all piled into his car to go to our friend's party.
I must add that my sister rode along just so I can ride with my best friend. She didn't actually want to go to the party. I appreciated it. We got there and I discovered that I don't like this type of party. There were people that I didn't know standing about everywhere in the house and chatting. The noise level was high and I was like um... I am just going to stay with my best friend here...
That didn't happen. I soon lost him in the throngs of people. At one point I found him, and I was like Yes. He then said, "So yeah." and just left. I was like what the heck bro? You're just going to leave me here? Then I felt abandoned for about two seconds until his head popped out of the kitchen to ask of I wanted a drink. Of course I did. He got me one, and that was nice. I wan't forgotten.
Eventually though, I did lose track of him so I went upstairs to see how Erin (our friend) was doing. Turns out, her friends are like super nerdy...like manga nerdy so I was feeling really awkward. I texted LTG, but he didn't get the message because I don't know. He is very social so he was probably playing cards. I went downstairs to sit with Izak on the fireplace. It was warm, and that is when I saw my best friend. He was feeding my baby sister soup I think and talking to one of our other friends. The entire scene was adorable and I just sat there watching for a few minutes. My sister really loves him. Erin had me fetch him and bring him upstairs. So I did. We both felt really awkward, and he took a moment to check his phone. It appeared this is when he read my messages from before, and almost immediately he held up his phone and took a selfie of us. It made me smile, because people smile for cameras....
Soon after, he had to leave though. I didn't have the chance to give him a real hug or a real farewell which sucked, but I am tough so I moved on. I proceeded to win a game of spoons.
Then my family went home too, and I dashed off to the church. (We have Saturday church as well as Sunday.)  I got to share some skittles with LTG and his mom laughed that I brought skittles...again...
Then right afterwards, I had to leave. I had to babysit. Once more we didn't have a proper goodbye and that was more of a bummer than before. But I am tough. So I moved on. Ish.
Yesterday at church I began by coming into the college room to say hello to Erin. She wasn't there and I was terrified of getting into trouble for being in that room, but I hung out with LTG and Beb and Sarah for a few minutes anyway. I also scored a lollipop. That was cool. Then in the service, I sat on the wrong side of LTG. I realized that I do not like this side when I went to offer him a skittle because he didn't notice me. I was like
ouch.
I don't think that will happen often though because he prefers the end seat.
After everything, and after the afternoon, our church went Christmas caroling in the neighborhood next to the church. It was fun. First we all met in the foyer and LTG's brother was there. He just traveled over here from wherever he lives. LTG was very excited. Whenever he thought about it he would start jumping up and down and swinging his arms every which way. It was great. I was confused by the sharp sarcastic remarks that his brother made about him. They seemed borderline rude, but I played along ish. At one point he insisted that LTG isn't related to him, that in fact their dad found him on the side of the road. I responded with, "You guys have almost the same face." and then he returned with an equally sarcastic response. "He stole my face. We had an extra face lying around and he stole it."
I was like dang. (I am really bad at comebacks so that is pretty much when the conversation ended.) The group of singers walked over to the neighborhood and waited for the truck bearing hot cocoa and cookies for the residents.
It didn't come. We waited for probably thirty minutes. The walk was only two minutes long, we could see the church if homes were not in the way. We were all confused. A few of us ran back to see if everything was alright. (Not me. I was hanging out with Sarah.) Her hands were cold. Mine were too, but not as much as hers. I lent her my warmth. We practiced songs, and then the truck came. My hands were warmer than LTG's too. (This was surprising because normally he is super warm.) My friend Austin was there. He didn't know that we were caroling, he had come for youth. I was so glad that he participated though. Singing was so fun. I really like singing. At one point we split into two groups, one on each side of the street. My group was pretty quiet and I could feel my voice carrying theirs. Leading the song. It was terrifying. But I couldn't just let our group be silent. To my great relief, the groups got back together and I was able to read over Sarah's shoulder again. (I think I gave my paper with the lyrics to the song to someone else.)  I realized that I tend to match my voice to whomever was closest to me, so I chose to stand next to people who sing really well as opposed to my best friend who's singing isn't necessarily bad, it's just not Sarah...also I can't match his voice. Hers is much easier to match. After a while, my ear popped and I couldn't hear myself properly. I had no idea of I was singing well or not. It sounded like when you get water in your ear and your voice gets all warbled. It was annoying. But I kept singing. When Sarah and Beb and I started to fade out because our voices were tired, my highly energetic and extremely stubborn best friend's voice rose up and lead the songs. It was great. I was proud of him.
At one point, I did something which I realized directly reflects my character. Sarah's hands were ice, and mine were slightly warmer so I pulled her hands into my sleeves and just held them until they were warm. I cold feel the heat being pulled from my body and replaced with chill, yet I just continued to hold her hands. I didn't know why exactly, I just wasn't going to let her freeze. I would give up my comfort for my friend. Finally, we were finished (I say finally because by this time, despite how fun the adventure was, we were all freezing and now my hands were becoming stiff.)  I was marching next to LTG and Izak on the way back and then I spilled now lukewarm cocoa on my casual sweater. That was a little sticky so I stopped marching. Then LTG started singing different songs that he has written throughout some time. It was so great. I love hearing him sing his ridiculous songs. They are pretty absurd.
After returning to the church, most people left except for the teens and college group. Most of everyone grouped up into their circle of conversation again like always. I didn't fit. So I tried to find my bestie and he was talking to someone I don't recall who exactly. I just remember finding out that the college group had gone to see the Christmas lights at the riverwalk the other day. I must have been tired because this was like the worst thing ever. So I am pretty sure I ended up snapping at him. He is pretty patient with me though, fortunately. I also overheard the college kids discussing their plans for that evening. LTG joined them. He was kind of bouncing back and forth between people. Listening to their plans was like swallowing knives because I knew I wasn't invited. I was fighting back emotions and wondering why I was still there when I heard LTG ask if I could come. I was like, omg that is so thoughtful. I was granted permission from all, I just had to ask my mom. It was so close, y'all. So close. But mom said no. It was a school night. I struggled not to cry, I was already weak, but I couldn't let my mom know. I couldn't shed tears in front of my sister. I swallowed it and gave my friend a sad thumbs down. He looked bummed for a moment, but then he started goofing off again and this goofing off was the only thing able to pull my lips back into a smile. Granted, my body language still screamed that something was wrong, but I was smiling. He was doing the can-can while singing the Grinch song and I think he also sang The First Noel. On top of that, he did this while staring intently into the eyes of his audience. It was hilarious. You have no idea. I told him goodbye after he finished his show, he gave me a side hug. I had forgotten that he acts different around me when the college group is around. I remembered in that awkward moment when I offered a two armed hug and got a side hug in return. It was really awkward. Then I stepped outside with the wife of our current youth leader to get a book from her. I will be leading a Bible study for the girls in the youth group from this book. I am excited about it, but in this moment my emotions burst through my defenses. There I stood, book clutched to my chest. My only layer of warmth was a thin turtle neck. My casual sweater that I had spilled cocoa on was wet and tied about my waist. She pulled me into her warm embrace. My arms were ice.
Now before I go on, we need to clarify something. I was not simply crying because my friends hung out without me, saw the lights I have wanted to see without me, or even that my mom had told me no. You see, I am not that simple. No, what is actually going on is ever since the college group has truly been a thing, my friends have graduated to it and they are always doing stuff as a college group. In itself, this is not a problem. The thing that makes this hurt so much is that everything they ever do together (for the most part) is for college people only (and Izak because he lives with the woman who is the leader.) I consistently am excluded. This also isn't necessarily a problem, but during times when we are all together, they all huddle up and plan their next adventures right in front of me. I don't fit into their circle that they form when they discuss this stuff. I see them all growing closer and building relationships and stuff and I am just on the outside mostly alone. I am alone because I am still in school. I am only months behind them, but that is not enough until I graduate. It is a thick combination of all of the above that caused me to break down in this way.
I am clarifying this because when mom thought my sister was upset, she mocked her for crying over something so silly. I do not want you all to think that I am a weakling. I only cry if it really hurts.  Or if I am super angry.

Now, I forgot to explain why I told you all half of my dream. I  related this dream to you all because it was reflected throughout the day. I felt the emotions in the dream during the day. It was fascinating. I explained my days so that you could see the different times when I would feel these emotions. You may or may not have noticed them so I will point them out.
Let's start with the lawn mower thing scene. I felt panicked and hurt by what touched my ears. Much like the panic I felt surrounded by people at the party. And like when listening to my friends planning felt like knives.
I literally texted LTG for help. I was feeling really out of place so I reached out to him. He didn't necessarily come right away either time, but when he did he either picked me up (in my dream) or he did something to pick up my spirits. (Like taking a selfie or giving me a drink for instance. Or even goofing off.)
There might have been a few other things that I have forgotten that relate to the dream. But it was slightly freaky, but also cool. Hence me sharing all of this. I think I am done for now though. I have to figure out what we will be discussing in tomorrows Bible study at school. I also have to do chores and stuff. Have a good day you guys.